Judaism, A Choice?                                                            July 14, 2014

   This story is hard for me to write.  Nevertheless, it is in my head, keeping me up at night, it is a subject that needs to be confronted and I have been chosen.  Many years ago, my husband and I faced the fact that we were unable to have children biologically.  It was before the days of artificial insemination and surrogate moms.  Together we decided to adopt, neither of us could imagine life without kids. Today, almost 65 years later, I am alone yet I can see my Erv nodding his head vociferously, as I say, “I am happy that we adopted Judi and Jeff. They made us a family, totally different from one another, they contributed to the fulfillment of our dreams.”

   Of course infertility is a blow, it is handled more intimately today and for many, more satisfactorily.  I had always been an advocate of adoption.  That is not why I sat down, driven to write.  We must rewind back years, to the month before our grandson was born.  Over dinner with Judi and her husband John, who is not Jewish, we began to discuss the blessed event.  Erv and I were excited to welcome our grandson.  To our astonishment and John’s as well, Judi stated that there would be no Bris.  That meant a circumcision in the hospital without blessings and celebration, without Judaism.  But that is also not why I sat down at my computer.

   We did the best we could do to teach our grandson about Judaism.  We encouraged festive Fridays, Erev (pre) Shabbat visits, his parents frequently joined us for Shabbat, Chanukah and Passover; we were requested to do no more.  He learned much about Judaism by osmosis. His grandfather was a rabbi, how could he not learn?  Once, as a teen, he stated that by the time he was 20 he would become a Jew.  His parents did not encourage a religious belief.  Our daughter, who was consecrated and confirmed in Judaism, does not believe in “organized” religion.  That is certainly her right.

   Now to my point: many children without a religious identity often embark on the search for their truth, a faith, they seem eager to fill in the spaces.  Not every child raised in a non-religious family, goes through a search, each child is different.   As far as I know, my grandson reached age 25 before he seriously considered who he was.  Perhaps one has to stumble on an obstacle, a glitch in the road, disappointment, before realizing that something is missing.  When he raised the question with me, he said, “How would you feel if I chose Christianity”, I gulped for air.  I quickly decided to be direct, honest.  I said, “If the choice were mine, I would choose Judaism for you.  But I understand the choice is not mine.  If Christianity gives you the support, the encouragement, the strength that you are looking for: God Bless you!”  It was not easy; it is not easy.  I believe however, that our adult children and grandchildren need to make their own life decisions. If they make mistakes, they are responsible; they will have to rectify errors.  We cannot take these young and not so young adults by the hand any longer and lead them.  I do believe that we did the best we could do. By the time they are adults, they know what we hope for and what we expect.

     The change my grandson is considering, is painful for me.  He knew that, he had the sensitivity to ask how I “felt” about it, he added “I will go to synagogue with you.”  All this proves that he loves me as much as I love him.  That does not take the pain of the now away.  If, on the other hand, he makes a choice that will motivate, lift him up and help him find himself, I must be grateful.

     Certainly I wondered if we failed, could Erv and I have made my grandson Jewish?   Could we have made our daughter more dedicated to Judaism?  That is the tortuous game of self-blame we Jews indulge in frequently. It accomplishes nothing except to bring enormous guilt front and center.  I will not play that game.  My best advice to myself, and to others in a similar situation is to continue to love that child and let him know it.

July 7, 2014    LOVINGKINDNESS….

   Mindfulness, we know, helps us concentrate on the present, its roots are in Buddhism. My new favorite magazine “The Sun”, discusses “lovingkindness”, it also has roots in Buddhism.  Lovingkindness enables us to move on to be warm hearted, generous, accepting, giving, caring. I cannot imagine anything better than to focus on the moment with a warm hearted caring spirit.  Only then do we dare relate to the other in the room, to become involved without barriers of suspicion, anger or guilt.

   Warm-hearted brings love. Love is a healing force that not only opens us to the good and the bad, it teaches us to focus on the positive so we can handle the bad things that happen to good people! “Love you” has become a spontaneous attachment to our conversations. It is important to understand there is more to “love” than romantic, physical, sexual love. This younger generation seems to understand that more than we did, it uses the word “love” with far greater comfort and spontaneity than we ever did.  Sure we loved our parents, love was on automatic in most families so much so that many forgot to say, “I love you.” 

   Verbalizing was difficult, we seldom spoke of “loving” someone unless it was a new crush or our best girlfriend..  Today we get off the telephone after having spoken to a friend and frequently say, “ I feel so much better, she is so good to talk to.  I love her”?  It should not be an issue that we really love those friends who listen with understanding.  I recently startled a close friend when I rang off with  “I love you!”  We had had a wonderful visit on the phone. My generation is still “touchy” about using “love” in general conversation.  Have you ever been stiff-armed when trying to give one of us a hug?

   Today we understand it is appropriate to have strong feelings defined as love for other than a spouse.  The feelings we share with a spouse are special, exciting, sexual, and yes, frequently monogamous.  In my marriage those feelings were unique, they were ours alone to share with each other.  That did not exclude the love we felt for our parents, our siblings, our children, our friends, doctors, teachers. It also did not exclude the work we love, the reading we adore, the sunset and the special places we love.  Love is a many faceted emotion. Every day provides an opportunity to share positive moments, moments of love with other people and with things that please us. When we offer lovingkindness we are offering the very essence of love, the unselfish giving part of us.  Love can banish fear, anger and guilt; without those negatives we become healthier and happier. Try a little lovingkindness, it’s good for you!  They knew this back in Buddha’s time, when did we become so ignorant and puritan about love?  

Locked Out!!!                                                                         June 27, 2014 

 

We have lots of things on our minds most of the time: anxiety about a distant child, concerns about the economy, our own health and well-being, our kids welfare in general, how far will the dollar stretch before we ask for help.  I never worried that my child would lock herself out of her house, that her spare key was beyond reach (at my house), that she would need my help even as she knocked on a neighbor’s door to use the phone.

When I received the call on a late Thursday afternoon, I was momentarily lost.  If I drove, no problem; if my twice a week aide were on duty, no problem, if I had a visitor with time on her hands, no problem.  “Mom, can you help me I do not feel close enough to my neighbors to ask for help, but you have friends who are always eager to help you….?”  So, of course I made calls: the first one had an appointment, the second one was not at home, but bingo, a kind, non-judgmental, giving friend was at my door in ten minutes and we reached Judi with the key in fifteen.  She was grateful!  So was I!

There is a lesson in this episode that applies to all of us.  Anyone of us can press that lock button inadvertently and find we are outside without keys when we only meant to empty the trash.  A spare key has to be someplace closer than six miles away.  In my neighborhood, we have extra security and the security has my extra key, a quick call to them would bring immediate help.  In Judi’s case, there is a manager who most likely would keep her spare key.  I am sure her neighbor who once in an emergency fed her animals, would keep her key.

Being friendly and close to neighbors comes more easily to some of us than to others.  Tucking a neighbor’s key in a safe place does not make us bosom buddies, it does  require that we are trusting friends who care about each other’s welfare.

We can always hide the key in a remote place that thieves would never consider.  At the time of need what assurance do we have that we  (seniors) will remember that special place?  Better to trust a friend or, I guess, Mom!

    

 

Double Peak

Double Peak………June 19, 2014

     We were headed to a party, I had managed to mix up the time.  My friend and I found we had an extra hour “to kill”.  We had choices: we could return to my house and fiddle around with the beeping smoke alarms.  Or we could go our separate ways and meet for the party later.  We decided to take a ride, climbed the hill to the end of Double Peak.  It is a spot I love; it displays a 360-degree view of our town, mountain peaks from a variety of our California ranges, the Pacific Ocean in a quiet pacific moment!

     Frequently I have gone to the top to view a magnificent sunset.  No sunset this evening, we were too early.  But the sunsets are not the only feelings one experiences at Double Peak.   The end of day quiet was at once spiritual, relaxing, comforting.  I had had a hard day with doctors and their X-rays, EKGs and lunch breaks.  The low, misty clouds were almost ethereal in their formations.  Together my friend and I enjoyed the moment as an unwinding of the day that wrapped us in nature’s beauty and our own quiet introspection.

     Our end of day timing turned out to be perfect.

    

Mindfulness, a column, written more than a year ago, a subject worthy of repetition.
Mindfulness was originally conceived as a way to ease suffering and cultivate compassion. The February 3rd issue of Time had a comprehensive article by Kate Pickert on the subject last year. She notes that “we are in the midst of a popular obsession with mindfulness as the secret to health and happiness…a growing body of evidence suggests it has clear benefits.” What does that mean?

Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) includes techniques that are intended to help practitioners quiet a busy mind, heighten awareness of the present moment resulting in less concentration on what happened earlier or what’s to come. According to the Internet “…research has found therapy based on mindfulness to be effective, particularly for reducing anxiety, depression and stress”. Our daily stress appears to get more complicated and burdensome each day, especially so for us who are growing older.

Despite the fact that mindfulness has roots in Buddhism, it is relevant to all religions. The concept is to focus one’s whole attention and awareness on the present. Easing suffering and motivating compassion are ideas relevant for us all. We Jews are dedicated to tikkun olam: mending the world. Along with many other religions we believe it is humanity’s responsibility to heal, to repair the world. None of us can do that until we heal (help) ourselves.

In prospect it is difficult to achieve mindfulness, to set aside worries, expectations and concentrate on the now, on the moment. As we age it becomes harder to live with daily anxiety. Our minds are have grown accustomed to worrying about the children, their future and the financing of that future. As they grow, that future leaps to confront us. Our culture has taught us to strive to better ourselves, there is a constant longing for better, bigger, more beautiful. Mindfulness helps us to slow all that down, to be content. If we do indeed concentrate on the now and stop yearning for more we reduce anxiety, feel optimistic and even benefit our physical health.

I asked a friend who has a grandson in prison, “Do you think about him all the time?” “No”, she answered, “ I have learned to concentrate on today!” In the morning she plans her day, focusing on that, not allowing the negative to even enter her thoughts, she makes sure she sees friends and gets out and about, thus she battles her stress. It does not matter if angst is related to a chronic illness or a family crisis it impacts mind and body. Mindfulness challenges us to take responsibility for how we react to unpleasant circumstances. It helps us to understand what is happening mentally and physically.

Most of us realize we have to concentrate on today: we know we cannot change yesterday and tomorrow will happen no matter what. We have been practicing mindfulness without any awareness that it is a practice that had its beginnings in ancient times. It is a new concept for Western medicine despite the fact that some doctors and scientists have been “exploring the use of mindfulness to help people achieve better health and cope with major illnesses for several decades.”
We do not necessarily have to go through formal training to begin, Mayo Clinic suggests do-able guidelines: paying attention, remove judgment, concentrate on breathing. Paying attention to the present moment, eliminate those things that are history or prophesy. Remove judgment suggests, look at the world, other people and self with appreciation rather than criticism. Breathing is a reliable way to bring us back to the moment. Pay attention to nostrils and tummy notice the changes in breathing with one’s change in feeling. Learn to meditate it helps our efforts to concentrate on now.
Find “Mindfulness” on the Internet. Mindfulness can result in more patience, acceptance, a non-judgmental attitude compassion for others and for self, reduce stress, an attitude adjustment. The experience of Time’s writer Kate Pickert when she took a class in “MBSR” had her less connected to her electronics and more eager to enjoy the world around her. Her writing includes steps to achieve mindfulness meditation and why wearing a watch unties one from reliance on the phone in our pockets, why taking a hike enables us to really enjoy the “now”. Mindfulness is the “science of finding focus” in the midst of our stress.

My Memory of Dad                                                       June 7, 2014

 

     It takes all kinds of Dads to make the world go around and keep kids happy.  There are stern Dads, thoughtless Dads, lenient ones and above all there are mostly loving Dads. I had a loving Dad, a lenient one who was always ready to help me with art homework, spelling lists or math.  He left the rest to Mom.  He was lenient to a point.

     Shortly before I married, I had the temerity to climb into his lap one day; I needed a favor.  He was a big man and I was a small person.  Physically sitting on Dad’s lap posed no problem and he loved it.  That is he loved it until I verbalized the favor. As soon as he heard what I wanted his lap disappeared and I hit the floor, astonished.  My astonishment did not match his hurt.  How dare I ask him for something that way: I was buttering him up, he knew it and was offended.  It took months before he gave in and provided me with a railroad pass to visit my Beloved!

     He and I had an Easter Sunday routine, a date we looked forward to.  Every year on Easter Sunday, as our neighbors and friends dressed up for church or for parading on the avenue, he and I would don our oldest clothes. ( Easter is not a Jewish holiday.)  Then, looking like a homeless pair, we went down to the boardwalk at the beach and took a long walk.  We did lots of talking.  Subjects in my early years were about taking care of myself. “Take care of your hands, a lady should have nice hands, always wear gloves!”   Then as I grew and was making college plans, “Be sure you take a worthwhile course of study so that if you need to, you can have a job and earn your way.” He did not worry about me; I don’t think he did. Frequently he gave me his own point of view, I listened, sometimes, I heeded his advice.

     When Dad died in 1957, I remember sadly seeing him lying in peaceful sleep, I looked at his hands.  He had beautiful strong hands.  I pictured then and do now what those hands did for me: they taught me to hold a tennis racquet, they held me close when I needed a hug.  His hands taught me to draw a straight line, to hang on to him when we crossed the street.  His hands held many doors and showed me how to go first.  Those hands never hurt me; they caught me when I first jumped from the side of the pool,  taught me to swim.  They always helped me on with my coat and took it from my shoulders when we returned home.  In the early years, his hands pushed me in my carriage and straightened the covers; later they were not too big to push my doll carriage and help me cross the street.  Dad’s hands protected and reached out to me always; the memory of them lingers and continues to protect me.   Happy Father’s Day, Dad!

 

 

    

 

    

An Addendum to my Yanov Torah Story           June 5, 2014

There is no need for an "addendum".  The issue has been clarified and does not need to be aired any longer.  I thank my readers for their patience with me.  Let us together look forward to the continuing story of the Yanov Torah.  It is alive and well.  When I last spoke to the doctor's wife (one of the couple who brought the Torah to my husband), she burst into tears, for thirty years, when we lost touch, she worried about the Torah.  Had we shown it the proper respect?  She knows now that its journey continues...Thank you all for patience.