Kidnapping Mom

Kidnapping Mom....1/23/14

     My friend has been kidnapped by her children..  Let us call her Jean (not her real name).  When her husband Ted began to deteriorate cognitively as well as physically, Jean took care of him.  She watched over him, protected him, continued to take care of herself and managed to keep in touch with her many friends and admirers.

     When Ted had to go to the hospital, Jean drove herself to see him, supervised his meals, provided all the support her love could give. Worn out, the lady is in her eighties, she became ill and needed brief hospitalization.  That was when things began to go wrong.  Ted’s offspring took over and tried to keep these lovers apart.  Very often children of a first marriage fail to understand or accept another love in their parents’ lives.  Suddenly they know what is best for an aging parent.  Perhaps they do but in the process they forget that aging folks are not children to be manipulated.

     I cannot tell you if the two sets of kids conspired to separate their parents, but it happened.   Jean’s daughter had her sign papers that either turned the house over to her or gave her power of attorney.  I am not privy to the detail.  We who are friends and caring folk, were informed that Jean was going to the mid-west to be with her other daughter. So into the cold and the snow, our California friend was taken.  In saying goodbye, Jean told us that she was coming back in two weeks and would be among us once again.  She never saw the “for sale” sign on her house.  We continue to ask ourselves, “should we have called protective services then and there”.  I think "yes".

     Jean’s California daughter refuses to give us a phone number or address for her mother and says that she wants us to help her mother forget the community where she lived for 27 years, her second husband who she has adored for close to 15 years and her many friends.  He is cognitively challenged and living in an appropriate facility here.  How he must miss her, with time she will slip from his mind, how sad is that? We may not contact Jean in any way; she is living among strangers in a facility, in a community that she does not know.  I hope she is making friends and not slipping into the depression of loneliness.

      I wonder if Jean’s daughters have any idea of the trauma they have dealt.  I have another friend who has moved from Florida to California where she is near a son, grandchildren and daughter-in-law she loves.  She has, over the years made friends her during her frequent visits and told me the other day, “If I do not like this facility and I am lonely for Florida, I made the decision to come and I can unmake it!”  That is quite a different situation.  Jean will make new friends, I hope.  They will never provide her with the tight circle of admirers and friends she left behind.

     What happened to Jean is elder abuse of the most insidious kind. I wrote in detail because I believe that so many who have been my readers are facing issues with parents and others are confronting the concerns of their children.

 

     When we are ill and can no longer take care of ourselves, it behooves our children to sit down and talk to us and, at the very least, allow us to participate in decisions. Only in severe of dementia does one have to "take over".  Our friend Jean either deteriorated extremely fast, which is doubtful considering that we had conversations with her until she left or there is manipulation.

     As a child, do not treat parents like children who cannot possibly know what is best for them; as a parent,  be careful who gets your power of attorney.  If need be discuss this with a psychologist, social worker, a helping person who is not involved. Money is often the root of the abuse we are experiencing, let's cover all possibilities and be careful. 

     The story I have told is sad and it is never too early or late to call Adult  Protective Services, (800 510-2020).  But first we have to set boundaries, write them down and express our wishes.